What you taught me!

Your absence left me empty and needy! Because of you there is a hole in my heart that I have been trying to fill for 25 years. I have filled it with, relationships, food, sex, shopping and more, but nothing would ever give me the permanent fix I needed. I look back now and think how stupid was I to think that those things would give me the love my father never could. In my past relationships I put alot of pressure on myself to be perfect. I wanted to make sure that the men in my life wouldnt leave me like you did. While I was putting pressure on myself I was
putting pressure on them to be perfect as well. Requiring love and affection to the tenth power, something that only a father could do. Unconsciously looking for a father fiqure with in my relationships, not realizing how unaffair my expectations were. I was not ready then to accept responsibility for my own actions but now I am. It is time to stop blaming you for the decesions that I have made. Even though my non existent relationship with you plays a part in my mindset, you do not control mylife, God and I do that. Now it is time to take this life experience and turn it into something positive. I know that I don't want a man like you, a coward, someone who put other things ahead of his childs needs, someone who hides behind charm and the phrase I love you as a way to not hear the cries of his own child. You taught me that I should take the bare minimum, whatever a guy would give that would be suitable because that is what you gave me. No more, I deserve better in my relationships and I deserve better than you. It is not easy to let go of that desire to hear your father say your special, beautiful, smart and can do anything you put your mind to. That desire never dies but the love and affection I have for myself carries me through everyday. If there is one thing I have learned is loving yourself and knowing yourself is the most important thing. What you could not do as my father and what other men could not do I have done...LOVE ME!