Young Expectations!!!

I never had a good relationship with my father but once I had a stepfather I expected him to be everything I never had. I expected unconditional love, an emotional connection, understanding and that special father daughter thing that I had seen in the movies and television. Nothing is ever that simple but being young and open to the possibility clouded my mind of the reality of the situation. It didnot take long for reality to kick in with huge psychological effects. I was not use to being barked at and my routines that had been set by my mom being changed and flipped around. I was alone in this situation for a year, my mom was back east handling business. I was literally left to deal with the everyday hassels of a relationship I prayed for. I was so young and so used to constant love and attention from family, I didnot know how to deal with anger and frustration. It was a foreign concept, and i couldn't deal...I wanted the easy way out. I was wrapped up in my unhappiness, so i thought about suicide in many different forms. I thought about it so much I had planned it all out in my head, it was the only way i could deal with my feelings at the time. I was young and unhappy, with a feeling of emptiness and i couldnot find the words to explain myself. I prayed alot about the relationship and about how i was feeling and that helped me over the hump till my mom was permanently in Georgia. Talking to my mom helped as well as getting comfortable in georgia and making friends. All these things eased the pain of the non exsistent relationship with my stepdad. Overtime I learned not to expect anything from him and just dealt with it moment by moment. Never expecting anything protected my heart and also left those unattainable expectations out of my head. How can you know how to parent if you never were a parent, never read about it and never inquired on trying to learn how to do it from other parents. Ignorance is bliss and there are somethings I cannot forget but hopefully in time I will learn to forgive and expect things again.