Young Expectations!!!

I never had a good relationship with my father but once I had a stepfather I expected him to be everything I never had. I expected unconditional love, an emotional connection, understanding and that special father daughter thing that I had seen in the movies and television. Nothing is ever that simple but being young and open to the possibility clouded my mind of the reality of the situation. It didnot take long for reality to kick in with huge psychological effects. I was not use to being barked at and my routines that had been set by my mom being changed and flipped around. I was alone in this situation for a year, my mom was back east handling business. I was literally left to deal with the everyday hassels of a relationship I prayed for. I was so young and so used to constant love and attention from family, I didnot know how to deal with anger and frustration. It was a foreign concept, and i couldn't deal...I wanted the easy way out. I was wrapped up in my unhappiness, so i thought about suicide in many different forms. I thought about it so much I had planned it all out in my head, it was the only way i could deal with my feelings at the time. I was young and unhappy, with a feeling of emptiness and i couldnot find the words to explain myself. I prayed alot about the relationship and about how i was feeling and that helped me over the hump till my mom was permanently in Georgia. Talking to my mom helped as well as getting comfortable in georgia and making friends. All these things eased the pain of the non exsistent relationship with my stepdad. Overtime I learned not to expect anything from him and just dealt with it moment by moment. Never expecting anything protected my heart and also left those unattainable expectations out of my head. How can you know how to parent if you never were a parent, never read about it and never inquired on trying to learn how to do it from other parents. Ignorance is bliss and there are somethings I cannot forget but hopefully in time I will learn to forgive and expect things again.

What you taught me!

Your absence left me empty and needy! Because of you there is a hole in my heart that I have been trying to fill for 25 years. I have filled it with, relationships, food, sex, shopping and more, but nothing would ever give me the permanent fix I needed. I look back now and think how stupid was I to think that those things would give me the love my father never could. In my past relationships I put alot of pressure on myself to be perfect. I wanted to make sure that the men in my life wouldnt leave me like you did. While I was putting pressure on myself I was
putting pressure on them to be perfect as well. Requiring love and affection to the tenth power, something that only a father could do. Unconsciously looking for a father fiqure with in my relationships, not realizing how unaffair my expectations were. I was not ready then to accept responsibility for my own actions but now I am. It is time to stop blaming you for the decesions that I have made. Even though my non existent relationship with you plays a part in my mindset, you do not control mylife, God and I do that. Now it is time to take this life experience and turn it into something positive. I know that I don't want a man like you, a coward, someone who put other things ahead of his childs needs, someone who hides behind charm and the phrase I love you as a way to not hear the cries of his own child. You taught me that I should take the bare minimum, whatever a guy would give that would be suitable because that is what you gave me. No more, I deserve better in my relationships and I deserve better than you. It is not easy to let go of that desire to hear your father say your special, beautiful, smart and can do anything you put your mind to. That desire never dies but the love and affection I have for myself carries me through everyday. If there is one thing I have learned is loving yourself and knowing yourself is the most important thing. What you could not do as my father and what other men could not do I have done...LOVE ME!