Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Memories of you!

I am thinking back to when my parents got divorced, the only memory I have is sitting in the family courthouse wondering why I was there. I had to be 6 years old, I wasnot sad or confused. It seemed like just another day to me. As I got older the distance between my dad and I grew further and further apart. I never understood why he didnt come to see me more often, he called me his first born all the time. What did that mean, was I special? Expendable? My mom never said a bad word about him, she just held me when his broken promises continuously broke my heart. My mom was great at fixing my emotional heartbreaks. In the midst of her starting over she stayed strong and took care of me. She was in her mid twenties with the wisdom of someone in their fourties. Growing up I was told I looked like both my parents, and I looked at my mom everyday to see if that was true but all the reference I had of my dad was an old picture of him holding me when I was a baby. It is quite sad that alot of my cries he never heard and alot of my cries where unspoken. I kept alot of my feelings to myself becuase I didnt want my mom to feel badly. I didnt want her to think, I didnt apreciate all her sacrifices to make things better for me. There were times I would cry for hours becuase he never came through and the only thing that would stop me were the loving arms of my grandmother and the comforting words of my mom. Growing up in a single parent home for half my life I was happy and well taken care of but something was missing. My father was missing, even though he broke his promises 90% of the time I still loved him. Even though I knew if my parents got back together my mom would be unhappy I still wanted him to come back. Even when he promised to take me out and I ended up babysiting my two half brothers for hours, I still loved him. I wonder now was that me being nieve, just wishing and hoping that he would be the dad I needed. If it was only for ten minutes why couldnt he see me, tell me I was beautiful and be a big part of my life. I am still waiting...

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